This job stinks! Vladimir Putin’s bodyguards box up his poop

He’s Vladimir Poopin’.

Members of Russia’s elite Federal Protection Service have been pulling double doodie — boxing up President Vladimir Putin’s excrement when he travels abroad and bringing it back home under armed guard.

The covertly collected craps were first reported Thursday in French news magazine Paris Match by two veteran Russia reporters.

According to the report, Federal Protection agents collect Putin’s poops without making a stink and put them in specialized packets, which then go into a dedicated briefcase for return to the motherland.

The magazine reports evidence of the collections taking place during a May 2017 visit by Putin to France, as well as a 2019 visit to Saudi Arabia.

Former BBC reporter Farida Rustamova tweeted that she’d been told Putin had been taking a portable toilet abroad with him for years.

The top Muscovite’s manure is sometimes destroyed rather than brought back to Russia, the scribe added, citing sources.

Either way, the extreme to which Putin’s security state is willing to go to keep his stool samples safe from foreign intelligence operatives adds to the rampant speculation that the Russian president is deeply unwell.

The reported defecation dissembling comes on the heels of a US intelligence assessment that Putin is being secretly treated for advanced cancer — and growing paranoid about his hold on power.

Members of Russia's elite Federal Protection Service have been packaging Putin's excrement and bringing it back to Russia as an extreme security measure.
Members of Russia’s elite Federal Protection Service have been packaging Putin’s excrement and bringing it back to Russia as an extreme security measure.
Mikhail Klimentyev/Sputnik/Kreml
Putin holds onto the table to keep himself upright, showing his declining health that his security state is trying to conceal.
Putin holds onto the table to keep himself upright, signs that his health may be declining.
Mikhail Klimentyev/Sputnik/Kreml

That same report said foreign governments were a key source of information for US assessments of Putin’s health.

Rumors of Putin’s imminent demise have been reported since the early days of his invasion of Ukraine.

In early April, journalists at the Russian outlet The Project reported that Putin was quite ill and has been secretly seeing an oncologist.

That report was followed by multiple claims, some from Telegram channels supposedly aligned with Kremlin dissidents, that Putin was due to undergo various surgeries or was looking for a potential successor.

Some of those rumored potential successors come from the ranks of Putin’s former bodyguards — a role that is widely seen as a fast-track to senior-level Kremlin positions.

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